Collapse

by Kapilioha

Unwrapped version:

sometimes I

am a bead

of sweat

if nothing

— the salt

my grandmother is about to die

does it happen

when the lights flash

or when I stop dancing

or

do I stop dancing because

the lights flash

or when I sleep?

I think everyone had

a fight

this tonight

reduced

parched

started believing we’d been

each other’s breath for so long

it’s hilarious, late

after lust and regret

I thought I broke the pill yesterday

or when I was something

you could

bet on in the worst way

I went to the parking lot

I went to the elementary school

because I remember a time

when only my crushes were

the matter

but now is — a convergence of every reality every decision

keep squeezing the pimple

on my shoulder squee me

squee me

and I'm melted

and I’m a silhouette

I’m scared that I have to finish everything now

somehow

sushi dates every Thursday but

never the second so never

the rest;

but maybe the reason I can’t keep

friends is because I don’t know

when I’m

horny

so what if I fill —

with the dust of my self —

the gaps that I create

I only just turned around facing

the other side of the closet

or was it when the door closed

behind my turning

and I hope he

dresses how he wants

I hope the tears streaming through

my nose clean its piercing on the way

because sometimes I feel like the

only thing i do for my

self is writing

or pick my nose

but I don’t ever ever want to

— know how easy it is to hurt myself

and I keep forgetting to stop

and he doesn’t with anyone else

and it’s because I’m gay

and somehow they met me I don’t know

where I was but they met me every

single person I said

how are we already an imaginary

younger than my broken

and I keep

forgetting he sings to me

I need the silence I need the questions

before it all I need the strength I

need the strength

or to trust the seizes of my heart

or to gather every piece of my

self